Inner Dialogue

I got an email tonight asking for approval of a computer literacy course outline revision. I'm slated to teach a section of this class in the fall. In past discussions, I've expressed a strong opinion that this class should focus on basic concepts and not specific software, something that has been just as strongly opposed. The revision included a reference to said specific software, so I felt it necessary to respond. I didn't want to just toss out an unfounded opinion however. I sent out a tweet for help...

wait, there's more... "tweet for help" »

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 08:41 PM
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“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.”

~ Soren Kierkegaard

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 03:37 PM
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“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

~ Soren Kierkegaard (Danish Philosopher and Theologian, generally recognized as the first existentialist philosopher. 1813-1855)

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 03:36 PM
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It's sort of a different way of looking at things. I'm so used to just doing what I want to or need to without really consulting anyone about it. This summer will mark five years since I've been on my own and for many years before that I had to make most of the decisions. I used to always ask for opinions or suggestions and didn't really get any so I quit asking. Tonight we were talking and I mentioned getting something for a friend that just had a baby. Steve asked if we could talk about that and decide together when he came back. Hmmm. Sure. It really is a major adjustment on my part to share the decisions. Not a bad one. Actually a welcomed one. Just one that takes a a lot of getting used to.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 11:17 PM
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So I had this plan today. Get up early. Drop off kids at school. Go to gym and swim laps for 20 or 30 minutes. Stop by juice-it-up for something before work. Stop at the park to read some scripture for a little while. Head to the college to grade and prep for presentations. Listen to students and participate in the discussion. Head home and spend the evening with my kids.

Well, that *almost* worked.

Up to the slight detour after the gym... the one where the Charter school called and said Emilee had been injured and it turned out that her arm was broken and we spent the morning and part of the afternoon at the doctor and hospital, just barely squeaking into the college about 20 minutes before my class.

After that, it was back on track.

Today was a microcosm of the chaos factor that rules my life!

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 10:17 PM
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"Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous,
   it does not brag,
     and it is not proud.

Love is not rude,
   is not selfish,
     and does not get upset with others.

Love does not count up wrongs
   that have been done.

Love takes no pleasure in evil
   but rejoices over the truth.

Love patiently accepts all things,
   it always trusts,
     always hopes,
   and always endures.

~ I Corinthians 13: 4-7

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 12:07 AM
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Catching up on Ransomed Heart newsletters and pulling out stuff I want to remember...

We’re told to “trust in the LORD” with all our hearts (Prov. 3:5), but frankly, we find it hard to do. Does trust come easily for you? I would love to trust God wholeheartedly. Why is it almost second nature to worry about things? We’re told to love one another deeply, “from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22), but that’s even more rare. Why is it so easy to get angry at, or to resent, or simply to grow indifferent toward the very people we once loved? The answers lie down in the heart. “For it is with your heart that you believe,” Paul says (Rom. 10:10). And in Proverbs we read, “The heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out” (20:5 NASB). Our deepest convictions—the ones that really shape our lives—they are down there somewhere in the depths of our hearts.

~ John Eldredge, Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 10:03 PM
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SMS to Steve tonight:

Engaged in a cool tweet talk about evils of msoffice, politics in America, ed tech & red golden retrievers.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:28 PM
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So, they've been wanting to sleep on deck. It's nice out, why not? Crazy kids!

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 08:46 PM
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"We take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss the most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who were doing all the “right” things: “Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you’” (Matt. 7:23). Knowing God. That’s the point.

You might recall the old proverb: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help him solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn’t master enough principles to see yourself safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work—is it time to make a move? What has God called you to do with your life? Things are hard at home—is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can’t seem to shake this depression—is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you—and how should you respond?

Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all—aren’t we “followers of Christ”? Then by all means, let’s actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.

~ John Eldredge, Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 07:45 PM
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This morning I was feeling human again. Well, almost. Better enough to look around the house and get in the mode to do some stuff since it is a disaster around here. Start and fold laundry. Make bed. Water garden. Put away towels. The mundane things that are a part of living in a family. I pulled out Steve's stuff from the laundry so he could pack when he got home. I chatted with Mackenzie about lots of different things. I shot off several emails to different people.

Then it occurred to me.

The answer I've been looking for is right in front of me.

When do I feel most at peace? Most in tuned with my purpose in life?

When I am able to be a mom... to do mom things... to take care of those around me. Lots of static and noise get in the way of that all too often, causing a conflict that leads to even more noise and static. But when I step back and have a few moments to just be me, I can breathe and relax into the role that God put me in. I remember really enjoying the whole room mom thing I did with both Andy and Kym. I liked volunteering in the preschools, having lazy morning breakfasts with the babies after the big kids went to school, coming up with crazy cakes for special occasions.

I've often entertained the idea of resigning my tenure and picking up a few adjunct classes here and there, so that I could still feel like I am contributing to the larger conversation about education. Steve has some ideas about how to extend my skills and talents in ways that would be interesting as well. I am not sure the security of a full time position is worth the trade-off in terms of the insanity it sometimes causes around me. Maybe it's just a case of feeling like the grass is greener on the other side. Or maybe, all of the signs are pointing me to an obvious conclusion.

I'm not going to jump ship anytime soon, or without lots of well thought out reflection on the implications, both long and short term. But I am going to pay attention a little better so that I can make an informed decision. It's time to start planning instead of just plowing through life as it happens.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 11:49 AM
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Seems like every time I set aside time to grade stuff and catch up on work, something gets in the way. Today, for example, I had planned on spending several hours responding to journals and grading assignments. Instead, I ended up spending most of the day in bed feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach and bashed my head against concrete. Not all examples are that drastic, but it is an almost no-fail rule that anytime I try to get work done, life gets in the way. Is that a hint on the direction I should take things?

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:13 PM
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I am almost never sick. At least not in the confined-to-bed, crawl-to-the-bathroom, feel-like-I'm-gonna-die sort of way. Apparently my body decided to break the streak last night and implode. The last time I was that sick was Christmas Eve 2006. Kym had to wrap all of the presents because I couldn't move off the recliner except to crawl to the bathroom. Last night sucked... and today hasn't been too dandy either. I took ambien before I went to bed last night so my body was drugged up just enough to make me about incoherent when the assault started. By the morning I was so weak I couldn't even move. Steve made a wonderful nurse, even though he was dealing with whatever it was also. I'm really not used to being taken care of like that. I suppose it was good practice for the latter part of "for better or worse".

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 08:53 PM
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I was just reading through some info sent by one of the universities I am checking out. I started getting a little excited about the prospect of diving into a doc program. But then reality set in and I began to wonder just what path I should be taking now? There is so much conflict right now between the professional and personal aspects of my life. There is a tension of opposites that is pulling me in different directions. I want to go back to school. I want to stay home with the kids. I want to do more with outreach at the college. I want to spend time building relationships. Personal. Social. Introvert. Extrovert. Put down roots. Start all over. It would be nice if some of these things were compatible with others, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Is this another lesson in letting go? In having faith? In patience and perseverance?

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 12:22 PM
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I was able to spend Friday morning with Rachel's class on a field trip to Sand Canyon. They were there to participate in an environmental education program sponsored by the BLM, the Maturango Museum, and lots of local volunteers. We saw lots of beautiful flowers up there... but none were as lovely as the one below. She is growing into a amazing young lady... and growing WAY to fast for me!

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 12:10 PM
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(20 mins/session * 77 5th graders/session * 3 sessions in a row) + (legos + robots) + candy = [you do the math!]

It happened again. Over 200 5th graders invaded the college. With a little help, I tossed legos all over a classroom, showed a few robots, talked about sensors, and told them to go to college. My favorite quote of the day happened when I was trying out an object lesson on sensors. I bumped into a desk, trying to get them to figure out what I have that should have stopped me from doing that (sense of touch, of course). The idea was to extend that idea to the fact that robots use sensors to gather data about their environment and make decisions based on that. They seemed to be having a hard time coming up with the answer, but finally, when I said something like "what sense was I NOT using" one kid said "COMMON SENSE!" LOL. awesome :)

Kids need to know early on that college is something they can do. I love helping them see that it is a possibility and that it can be fun.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 10:59 PM
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"It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well."

~ Rene Descartes

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:37 AM
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Last night was a late night for him... tonight will probably be an almost all-nighter as well. Big show and tell tomorrow at work. It's been a year and I still miss it when he is not around. I still get excited when he comes home. So tonight I am making hash browns because that is his specialty. They won't be as good, but they'll do for now.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 06:27 PM
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A year ago, this month was a very busy one. It was an emotional roller coaster, one in which my oldest son left the nest, troubles at work began, new friends emerged, students inspired me, and a relationship that began as a random friendship took an unexpected twist one late night under the stars sitting on a trampoline. It's not always easy to pinpoint the moment when someone begins to look different to you, when your perspective on who they are shifts ever so slightly from "that cool guy" to "someone I might be interested in". Whatever it was, it happened that night and for reasons we don't entirely understand, things started to change in wonderfully mysterious ways. From that point forward, there really was no holding back, and even if I had wanted to, I'm not sure I could have.

wait, there's more... "he asked" »

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 11:16 AM
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There is much to think about at the moment, much that requires deep and introspective contemplation. A humble spirit will be required and an honest desire to seek and learn the truth. Will I be able to quiet the world around me long enough to gain the insights I am looking for?

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 11:26 PM
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"I'm trying to figure out how I can declare email bankruptcy without IT restoring everything from backup."

~ juliafallon at 28-04-2008 23:39 on Twitter

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:37 AM
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“The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight but has no vision.

~ Helen Keller

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 12:40 PM
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Ok, so it's weird how much I enjoy simple pleasures sometimes. I had been looking for a solution to watering the flowers on the deck without having to drag the hose up there and make a big mess. When I was at walmart I saw the perfect solution... a watering can! Decorative and functional at the same time! I was out watering my flowers this morning thinking about how much I enjoyed doing it with the can, tipping it up ever so slightly as the gentle shower of water falls on the petals like a quiet spring rain. Very satisfying :)

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:58 AM
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How do you rebuild trust with someone who so completely and systematically set out to destroy a relationship? No matter how much you want things to be different, the need to protect yourself from almost certain pain prevents that. If there was any indication that he wanted to have a friendly relationship, any acknowledgment of what had happened in the past, and any expression of a sincere desire to move forward in the future, maybe I'd give it another shot. However, he's chosen to let someone else speak for him and to ignore the problem (as usual) so it doesn't look like any changes are on the horizon.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:06 PM
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why is it that certain conversational topics plunge me into a round of guilt and quiet tears about how i raise my kids, what i teach my kids, what they are exposed (or not exposed) to? i am doing the best i can with what i have, i've always tried to do the best i can, and i keep trying to do better constantly. what i hear (what the kids do is a reflection of me) probably isn't what the actual message is, but it sure comes across that way sometimes. i'll write it off to headaches and hormones tonight.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 08:22 PM
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Somebody emailed me for my cell phone number today... and I thought, how quaint, they want to call ;) I think the telephone is my LEAST favorite way to communicate with people. I much prefer chat, asynch, or in person. Interesting.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 07:59 PM
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I went to get my hair done today, someplace that I've been going for a while now. The lady that does my hair is going through a divorce so I've been getting an update every six weeks or so. Hubby moved out and moved a girlfriend in. She dated someone for a while, now is dating someone else. Six year old son hates dad's new girlfriend and refuses to go over there when she's around. Dad chooses to spend time with girl over time with son... lots of drama. Seems like the kid is getting the short end of the deal no matter what.

I guess I just took a different approach. I decided very early on that I would not bring any dates to my house. Anyone I was interested in didn't need to have any contact with my kids until I was pretty sure he'd be around for a while. I gave myself an arbitrary timeline of six months. If we were dating after 6 months and things looked good, he could meet the kids. No overnight visits, no showing up at school events... no contact before then. Why? Because I wanted to protect my kids for one. I didn't want them to get attached to someone and then not have it work out for me, and have them deal with loss all over again. I didn't want to get stuck in a relationship because he was "good with the kids". I didn't want to be the mom that brought people in and out of my children's lives. I've seen first hand the damage that can cause. I preferred to give them stability instead.

wait, there's more... "dating scene" »

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 07:20 PM
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Got some sleep last night :) Life's been run in 5th gear for way too long without much time to idle. I think my engine needs tuning up and given a chance to rest. Last year, we took some long drives, had evenings out under the stars, and it was wonderful. Then we jumped into domestic bliss full steam ahead and haven't looked back. It's been wonderful, but at the same time, almost impossible to build in those trampoline talks that I miss so much. Need to make that a priority so that we can travel down the long road for many years to come.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 07:16 AM
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Apparently I'm on a roll tonight. That's what happens when your iPhone has a "notes" feature where you can jot down "blog points" to write about later when you have time, I guess.

So, lately, a lot of entries in the "Blast from the Past" section seem to involve lack of sleep, some going back to the beginning of this blog itself. Four to five hour nights are the norm, very seldom continuous. I guess I just have always pretty much ignored the problem, because, hey, what else are you going to do when you are the only one around to get things done? Steve brings it up quite often, and asks me every morning how I slept, because he is really concerned about it. I guess I finally am getting tired of being tired and fuzzy headed all the time (not to mention ever-so-slightly cranky) so I went in to see the doctor today. Felt kinda odd when she asked me how long this has been a problem and I told her a couple of years. She wanted to put me on a long term medication, but I wasn't quite ready for that yet. We're going to try Ambien for 2 weeks and see what that does. She can up the dose if what she gave me doesn't work. If after two weeks, the cycle is broken and I am sleeping, I can just take one as needed once in a while. I am also going to increase the amount of exercise I do (hard core gardening today for about 4 hours total should count for something), not read or watch TV in bed, and look for some dark shades for my bedroom windows. If that doesn't work, she wants me to get into a sleep clinic. Oh joy. But ok. Time to start taking care of myself for a change. Why does that feel so selfish?

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 10:04 PM
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That song came on the radio, the one Tim McGraw put out for last Memorial Day. I was on my way home with the Charter kids, on Brown Road, when it started to play. I love the music, so sweet and simple, and I started singing along. About halfway through, it got the better of me, and I teared up, unable to sing any longer without actually crying. For some reason that song always does it. Might be because I have a son in the military who is across the country and a daughter who just turned 18 who lives far from home. It's a song about preparing for something that is inevitable, but at the same time unexpected, because, really, you just never know when it will be your time to go. If you're reading this... I love you.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:55 PM
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Seems like there are times (many of them) when my life is a series of tweets, some connected, some not. It is easier to share the sound bites as they happen than the in-depth details because that takes time to think about and process. Come to think of it though, maybe the tweets ARE the in-depth details, the blow-by-blow minutia of every day life? I don't have any regular, uninterrupted time to reflect, think, pray, plan, decompress... periods I have extended time alone is measured in months apart... so I guess the tweets are a mirror of real life. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, like a mosaic that makes up who I am, what I do, and what I think about. Maybe that's why I like Twitter. It's what happens between the blog posts. It's me.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:29 PM
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Been thinking about girl friends lately. You know, friends who are girls? For me personally, there aren't really many of those, mostly by choice, I suppose. Even in high school, I mostly hung out with the cowboys and geeks (mutually exclusive groups, for the most part). Ok, well, I dated cowboys and hung out with geeks (what can I say... Wranglers were irresistible!). I'm about to celebrate a 20th anniversary with my oldest friend. According to all of the literature we are supposed to give each other china for this momentous occasion. I'm thinking a trip to Vegas might work better ;) As far as I can remember, we've only ever really had one semi-major tiff, it was about a man, and she was right. I've been involved in the EYH program for two years now and see a bunch of women there I'd like to get to know. I was just invited to their monthly luncheon and am actually really looking forward to it. I've not ever been into the hang out at the coffee house crowd, let's go get our nails done group (although I do like getting my nails done once in a while), foo foo types of chicks. I really enjoy spending time with women who don't complain, who don't focus on themselves, and who have a way of making me think about things in unusual ways. It's always hard to pinpoint exactly what those traits are, the ones that really attract me to people, and really, it's the same for men and for women. I guess you just see it a lot less often in the ladies, which is sad. Smart chicks. Girl geeks. Strong, intelligent, non-whiny women. Doesn't mean they don't complain. Doesn't mean they can't get on a rant now and again. Doesn't mean they can't clean up nicely if the occasion calls for it. It just means that there are no pretenses, no airs, no hidden agendas or motivations that you have to wonder about. I can get along with most of the other ones, but if I have to choose where I'd like to spend my already limited time, make an emotional investment, it is with these types of people, men or women.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 10:15 AM
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This is even funnier if you actually know a few engineers ;)

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 07:01 AM
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Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 09:18 PM
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"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

~ James Thurber

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 12:30 PM
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“The ability to think straight, some knowledge of the past, some vision of the future, some skill to do useful service, some urge to fit that service into the well-being of the community- these are the most vital things education must try to produce.”

~ Virginia Gildersleeve

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 11:26 AM
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I keep hearing about my wisdom, something I have a hard time believing is really there. Sort of trying to figure out what that means. Steve said he had a teacher who told him once that "there is a world of difference between having thirty years of experience and having one year of experience thirty times." I guess maybe that's it? The ability to learn from experiences and move forward instead of reliving the same experience over and over and never getting the point. I like to think I move forward, and I probably do in most areas, although there are a few with no resolution that occasionally pop up and cause grief. I never pretend to have any answers when people ask me what I think. I make a point of emphasizing that all I can do is share my own experiences, my own lessons learned. I'm not sure if that is wisdom or what, but it's all I've got.

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 11:08 AM
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Since we live in an age of innovation, a practical education must prepare a man for work that does not yet exist and cannot yet be clearly defined.

~ Peter F. Drucker

Deep thoughts posted by Debby at 12:35 AM
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