~Once in a while rational thinking triumphs over insanity ~ today was one such day~
I took several pages of notes yesterday during the mediation session. Anything in quotes was directly said by the mediator. For the most part, I spent two hours just nodding my head in agreement to what she said. Never did get an explanation from Kurt about why he did what he did, but he certainly got an earful from the mediator about it. Her overall theme for two hours was that she was very, very concerned that if something wasn't done that Kym would end up in big trouble, on the street, drugs, etc. She called Kym a "pre-problem" child but emphatically stated that she was well on her way to getting involved in things that would endanger her. She expressed concern that next time Kym wouldn't consult anyone and would just take off on her own. She asked Kurt what he would have done if the parents on the other side refused to pay for a return ticket, or if there had been secret plans to get married (because Kym is old enough in some jurisdictions). She even brought up things like cults looking for sacrificial virgins and other possibilities that even though they might sound far fetched, are actually very real threats. He basically had no response to any of that. See below for some specific comments.
After reading the statement I submitted, her first comment was "Ohhh...she's involved in MySpace. Not real cool."
When I mentioned that I was on MySpace so I know it's not all bad, she said that I was an adult and knew how to handle stuff but that "kids Kym's age usually don't have much discretion when it comes to things like this."
She asked Kurt "What do you expect your daughter to do? If that's your belief system, then why are you putting your child into situations where she is being tested?"
Kurt argued the statement I made about Kym being at my house for Christmas, saying that the custody and visitation order did not apply to her. The mediator had it in front of her and was reading it outloud. She said that holiday schedules always supercede regular visitation schedules so that the part referring to the children being with the mother on even years is apart from the more general statement about Kym visiting written above. He kept arguing that wasn't what it said and she told him to "quit arguing semantics. If you want to, take it to your lawyer and ask for clarification, or take it to the court, but the judge will interpret it the same way."
After I told her that Kurt had intentionally conspired with Kym to keep information about her trip from me for months, she said "That was a big deception that you colluded with the kid to deceive mom. That's a parenting thing and I think that's a real breach of your agreement" (referring to the custody order).
She told him that if Kym wanted to do something, he should ask himself (and her) what mom would think. If they have a feeling mom wouldn't like it, then it's probably not a good idea. Also "is this common sense or do you want to look like a good guy and let them do what they want to do?"
Golden rule - "how would you feel if it happened to you? And abide by that" when trying to decide how to behave.
She asked Kurt if he has been the "good kid" in his family. He had. She pointed out that because of that, he might not be able to totally relate to one of his own kids not being the good kid.
In reference to my comment that Kym keeps going back to Kurt because he lets her do whatever she wants, the mediator said "if she goes back to dad and dad says "oh well" she''' thumb her nose at everything and end up on the street."
I asked for three things: (1) notification and involvement of counseling dates; (2) communication about major issues; (3) that the children not leave the county without a parent without notification to the other parent. The mediator said that we have joint legal custody and that means we are required by law to involve the other parent in major decisions... and that letting a minor child fly across the country is a major decision.
He argued #3 extensively. Didn't think I should have to care or know what the kids were doing on "his time". Mediator stated that it was "just common courtesy" to notify the other parent if the children were going to be somewhere other than expected in case of emergency or natural disaster. He then wanted the statement to be expanded to "parent or other relative" using his mom as an example. I didn't budge on that one and the meditor backed me up. Again, just courtesy. The final statement, to be signed by the court as an addendum to the existing order, states "The parents agree to notify the other parent should either parent elect to authorize any of them children to leave the resident couty with someone other than the respective parent with a 24-hour notice." Finally, just to be pissy, he said, "well then we should include something about leaving the state" to which I reminded him that if they were leaving the state, they were also leaving the county, so it was already covered.
In reference to getting Kym into counseling (like he was supposed to do months/years ago), the mediator said "you want to reign in this wild horse before she goes over a cliff...she wants to know if you are going to stop her". She said that a good counselor will help set the "norms" for Kym's behavior since they deal with lots of other kids. She suggested that we allow the counselor access to Dr. McDonald's report because it is a good observation of how things are, to which I agreed and Kurt argued against.
When she learned that Kym was getting her license, she said "I'd be scared having her drive, given all this stuff."
I mentioned that Kym already pushes the boundaries with driving because she goes places with her friends who aren't past the probationary period yet (Lizzie, among others). Kurt said that "now" Lizzie is legal to take people, but I said she hadn't been for the last 6 months and still Kym went places with her. The mediator said "what is she doing after school that you don't know about?"
Referring back to the fact that Kym was deceptive to him about her part of the airfare, the mediator was very concerned that this was just the tip of the iceberg. She said "the brighter your kids, the more complicated the scam."
Kurt, as always, tried to bring up that "at least" he makes sure that Kym gets to church activities (implying that because I don't, I'm the bad parent). After a few minutes of this, the mediator told him "You are into the church life but she is learning that at home that deception is ok. That doesn't match up with the church model, does it?"
Because Kurt still has an attorney of record, he could not sign the addendum. I was able to however, because David took himself off the case since it was inactive. The mediator will mail the document to Kurt's lawyer and he will have to call and make an appointment to sign it in front of her. That will cost him $$. The mediator has had a lot of experience with this attorney and said that she has a big problem getting paperwork turned in. She told Kurt it was his reponsibility to call the lawyer every day and ensure that this document was filed in a timely manner. He will also be responsible for making sure that his lawyer does not make any changes to the document. She advised me to make a statement above my signature saying that "no changes to the face of this document are allowed".
Preparation for mediation
Signed with relator for house
