Inner Dialogue

My best friend has been in a challenging situation for several years now, stepmom to two sons whose bio-mother has really dropped the ball in major ways. My friend has raised these children as her own and has endured much heartache and frustration in dealing with the situation created by the bio-mom. Somewhat recently bio-mom moved back in state and is having issues because the oldest son doesn't trust her and doesn't want to be involved with any of her activities. My friend is constantly being accused of feeding the fire of discontent with this child, and is feeling the strain of years of harassment. The latest volley has to do with the lack of respect the son shows to his bio-mom. She asked me what I thought about the expectation of respect when it hasn't been earned and this was my reply:

I had to contemplate this one for a while. Here's what I came up with.

I think it is useful to teach that respect should be given because it's the civil thing to do at times, even when circumstances dictate otherwise. I respect the president of the United States for the office he holds and what that represents in our democracy, even though I do not agree with all of his decisions. There is a difference between respect and acceptance. What you think about someone does not have to influence how you act around them. Helping Jason show respect for Jayne because she is a mom and a woman, in the long run will be a better lesson for him on many levels. It will teach him that it is ok to disagree civilly with someone. It will teach him to respect differences of opinion and to tolerate people in other situations he may not agree with or understand. It is also a good to learn that it is possible to take the higher road even when the other person does not. Why bother with all of those lessons? Because it's the right thing to do and it makes the world around us a better place to live in.

I think the confusion here is between respect and love or respect and acceptance, maybe even between feelings and behavior. Respect is not synonymous with love and acceptance, although they are often found together. It is possible to feel one thing and behave in a different way as well. Not easy. Not easy at all. But possible.

for what it's worth, that's what I think.