Inner Dialogue

Her acceptance that she was lesbian and that she was not going to deny that part of herself any longer is similar to my decision to leave a church temple marriage. Both had major social consequences (church). Both had relationship consequences (marriage). Both had family consequences (impact on children). I am certain that her decision was not one that came easily or impulsively. I am certain that a significant amount of anguish, confusion, and mental turmoil was involved in the attempt to reconcile what she felt with the reality of her life. I am certain of that because I felt all that too. I knew when I made the decision that there would be many who would not understand. I knew that the dynamics of our social network, mainly the church one, would be damaged. I knew that the impact would be life long and life changing. I had tried the martyr approach for years (I'll stick it out for the kids... it must just be me... time will change things...) and the mental disconnect between what I had to do and what I wanted to do was almost paralyzing at times. In the end, however, I knew this decision was something I had to do to maintain my own sense of self and integrity.

The resulting redefinition of who we are in the eyes of the world and in our own mental image of ourselves isn't always a smooth process. It's filled with questions. The path isn't always clear. There's no instruction manual. It's a clarifying process, one in which we become increasingly aware of what our core values are, what is important to us and where we want our life to go. There is an energy shift away from deflecting negative forces (denial, depression, secrecy, uncertainty) to a more positive direction (purpose, clarity, integrity, honesty). If we are open to the lessons to be learned along the way, we become better parents, friends, partners, and people. That, alone, tempers the cost and makes the effort a worthwhile one.