Inner Dialogue

I was going to write up two different entries, but I think it might all fit into one, so I'll give it a shot. Today, something came in the mail that I sort of expected to show up eventually, given the rumors I've been hearing about my ex wanting to get remarried. You see, because we were sealed for time and all eternity (according to the practices of our church), getting remarried requires jumping through a few hoops, if one wishes to do it by the book again. For me, as a woman, I would have to get a special "temple divorce" approved of by Salt Lake to get sealed again. For him, he just has to have the ok of his local stake president. Today's letter came from his bishop informing me that he was seeking a "sealing clearance" that would permit him to be sealed to another woman (but not canceling my sealing him). The bishop wanted to know my "feelings about this action and if Kurt is current in his financial obligations to you and your children." Oh where to even start? How about the two and a half years of child support he didn't pay among other things? How about the incident of encouraging our daughter to lie to me for months last year when he decided to let her fly to Minnesota to meet her internet boyfriend? Should I let him know about all of the evil things that I've been accused of, of the times he has refused to communicate, of his efforts to turn my children away from me, even recently? But then, what is the point? Regardless of what I say, it'll all go through anyhow because they aren't really interested in facts or my opinions. I've gone through all of this before, when I really cared about what the church thought, and made the silly assumption that documented facts would actually count for something. This is just a formality they have to go through, a box that needs to be checked off, so they can feel good that all is right with their limited vision of the world.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to attend a church of a different denomination. I'm glad that we went because it gave me an insight into the upbringing of someone I love. I liked sharing time with family and I liked the inside view I got of something I've been learning about recently. For the most part, the rituals were the same as the ones I'd grown accustomed to in the LDS church. Same singing. Same sermons. Same prayers. Even the people looked the same. There were a few differences, namely in the paid vs lay ministry and how tithing was collected (although passing the plate is something most mainstream churches do anyhow). There were a few things that made me extremely uncomfortable (sending the children out with baskets to collect even more money after the collection plates were passed). When the service was over, people lingered in the foyer greeting each other, chatting about this and that, smiling and welcoming the guests. Same stuff everywhere, I guess. I had mixed feelings as we left. I miss the sense of community, the belonging to a group that shares a common set of beliefs. I miss having friends to share a spiritual journey with. I do not miss, however, the hypocrisy that religion encourages, such as letting someone who is clearly not worthy hold spiritual authority because people are more interested that the correct boxes are checked off in public, never mind what is done in private. I am not naive enough to believe that one church has a corner on the market when it come to righteousness and piety... or hypocrisy and guile. Is there any wonder I don't show up anymore?