Inner Dialogue

This morning I was feeling human again. Well, almost. Better enough to look around the house and get in the mode to do some stuff since it is a disaster around here. Start and fold laundry. Make bed. Water garden. Put away towels. The mundane things that are a part of living in a family. I pulled out Steve's stuff from the laundry so he could pack when he got home. I chatted with Mackenzie about lots of different things. I shot off several emails to different people.

Then it occurred to me.

The answer I've been looking for is right in front of me.

When do I feel most at peace? Most in tuned with my purpose in life?

When I am able to be a mom... to do mom things... to take care of those around me. Lots of static and noise get in the way of that all too often, causing a conflict that leads to even more noise and static. But when I step back and have a few moments to just be me, I can breathe and relax into the role that God put me in. I remember really enjoying the whole room mom thing I did with both Andy and Kym. I liked volunteering in the preschools, having lazy morning breakfasts with the babies after the big kids went to school, coming up with crazy cakes for special occasions.

I've often entertained the idea of resigning my tenure and picking up a few adjunct classes here and there, so that I could still feel like I am contributing to the larger conversation about education. Steve has some ideas about how to extend my skills and talents in ways that would be interesting as well. I am not sure the security of a full time position is worth the trade-off in terms of the insanity it sometimes causes around me. Maybe it's just a case of feeling like the grass is greener on the other side. Or maybe, all of the signs are pointing me to an obvious conclusion.

I'm not going to jump ship anytime soon, or without lots of well thought out reflection on the implications, both long and short term. But I am going to pay attention a little better so that I can make an informed decision. It's time to start planning instead of just plowing through life as it happens.