Inner Dialogue

rushing
7/4/08

We got stuck in a fire detour today going through Malibu Canyon, which set off the schedule a bit because there were plans to take a look at a truck in Oxnard, but we had to be there before 6 pm. Steve was pretty determined to get there by 6, so we rushed through the detour route, having to backtrack a ways because they didn't have any signs up to follow. The feeling of rushing overwhelmed me... and I realized it was a metaphor for how most of my life seems to be. Rushing to get somewhere. Rushing to get something done. Always in a hurry with never enough time to get it all done, never enough time to digest and reflect, never enough time to relax because there is always something else in the pipeline ready to get started if one thing gets finished. There are always more things to do than time allows. Instead of letting the feeling overwhelm me, I closed my eyes and tried to think through what it was all about and what was at the heart of the problem.

I don't like rushing or even the perception of rushing. It makes me feel like life is out of control and I am not comfortable with that. As I look at the weeks ahead, the only thing I can see is a series of events that will be rushed through because there isn't the time to take care of it all properly. The time I need to reflect will be eroded by errands and phone calls and work and exhaustion from it all. I want to be able to savor and experience the here & now without having to think ahead to the next thing or look back on the last one.