Inner Dialogue

I had to go to the beach this weekend. Ok, so I wanted to go, but I also had to go. I had sort of hoped to go alone, but it didn't work out that way, but it was ok. I needed someplace where I could feel an emotional and spiritual cleansing and the ocean has always done that for me. As I forced myself to breathe in synchronization with the rhythm of the waves, the world slowed down and the worries washed away. I am finding that it takes longer periods of time for this process to happen. It doesn't happen in an hour or even two and there are stages to go through. I sat out on a rock facing the vast expanse of blue, focusing on the pattern of the water rolling in and breaking across the shoreline. I forced my mind to clear and fill with the sound of the crashing waves, the gentle lapping of water as it recedes, and started the cycle anew each time. Eventually, I was able to fully experience the moment without invasions from the world.

It's not like filling up a glass that is empty. That would be starting from zero and moving up. It's like backfilling a deficit that has built up over time and bringing my spirit to zero, so that the rebuilding can begin. It took several hours on the beach to feel like I was even close to zero, but before I could spend several more hours filling back up, we had to leave. The problem is that I never seem to be able to move much beyond the zero mark, that I am always backfilling just to keep even. I function well in crisis mode, dealing with each event as it arises, but it takes it's toll. It's been a decade of this and I can never seem to get ahead. Just when I think there is going to be some down time, some time to refresh, I am thrown another ball to juggle. I catch it, even if it seems like it might drop at times, but somehow I manage. Maybe I can just close my eyes and go back...