Inner Dialogue

Almost exactly five years ago, my life began a major shift into directions unknown, into an uncertain future. I had built a life, had developed relationships, had charted a path down a well worn and familiar trail. It was a shift that had begun imperceptibly many years before, the events of which eventually snowballed into a rift of epic proportions. I didn't just stray off the road; I moved over to an entirely different highway, having faith that it would all work out for the best if I just stayed true to my convictions and put the best interests of my children at the forefront of my decision making process.

Although lots of thinking and introspection went into the decision, the events that followed did not allow for much reflection at the time. I received an email today that reminded me that one of the casualties of such a shift is often relationships. When we split, I broke ranks with the protocol of a very traditional religious group. I no longer fit into the picture of what a Mormon wife should be. I had been an active member. I held callings in Primary for years. I brought my children to all of the social events like Thanksgiving dinner and Pioneer celebrations. People were still cordial, but no one really called to see how I was doing. I didn't get any dinner invitations. And when I stopped showing up altogether, it seemed like no one even noticed. There were people I really enjoyed spending time with, enjoyed learning from... but it seemed like all of those connections were broken along with the broken marriage. I was too far into survival mode to follow up and by the time I emerged, the distance seemed impossible to recover.

Every once in a while, I make it back to my past and see people I knew. It's a different world. I miss people sometimes, but I'm not sure what I can do about it. Time only moves forward. I guess it's always possible to reconnect. At least I hope so.