Inner Dialogue

Continue reading "outside looking in" »

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"Rachel Kilburn is nominated because she has high standards of behavior in the classroom, on the playground, and throughout the school. She does not use put-downs. Rachel is helpful, honest, and kind. She is always willing to find a teacher or student in need and offer her time and energy to get the job done. She enjoys school. Her attitude is always positive no matter the task. Rachel is a great peace builder." 

Posted by Debby at 5:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This morning I had an insight into part of the inner turmoil surrounding some of my concerns lately. I realized that a big part of it does have to do with finances. The last year or two has been the first time ever that I didn't really have to worry about money. For ever (it seems like) I had to play bank tag, had to decide if I was going to pay the electric bill this month or the gas bill next month, had to feel guilty about buying kids clothes on clearance at Walmart, or had to go into a major panic if something big happened, like a tire blowing out.

I've been in this job for 5 years now, but the first few years I was playing catch up, paying off most of the joint debt I took on after the divorce, paying around $1000 a month for gas due to communting a thousand miles a week, paying for legal fees, and covering all of the expenses involved with that fiasco, maintaining two households, and then renting one house at a $1200 a month loss for a year. Last summer was the first time I worked overload that I could use it to do things like buy some beds for the kids room, buy a fridge, build a deck. Tangible evidence of the hard work that I've put in finally paying off. I am still very frugal with money and almost always only buy stuff (food included) when it is on sale. I still sweat over major purchases. But if I see something I want or need I know I can get it. If the kids suddenly need dance clothes or halloween costumes or extra lunch money at school, it isn't a big deal. I like being able to plan some travel experiences with my husband and with my children. I am finally in the position to help out family and friends financially when needed and consider it one of the great blessings of where I am today to be able to do so.

So, it makes me a little twitchy to contemplate a loss of income because I don't want to go back to where I was before. I want to be able to travel & see my older kids. I want to be able to help my friends if they need it. I want to be able to plan experiences for the younger children that they will always remember. I know it can be done... we just need to do some planning and get creative about how it might all work out.

Posted by Debby at 12:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

"What if only 1 person voted for president and that person voted for Mickey Mouse?"

~ Matt, watching John McCain & Sarah Palin on the News

Posted by Debby at 6:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today was awesome :) I got to work and started to get bogged down in foolishness but one of the techs came in to remind me about a meeting I was supposed to be in. I begged off, but then decided to go anyhow. The choice was between dumb paperwork that I didn't want to complete and a meeting about something I was really interested in... so I went. A little later on an online student came in because she was in a panic about getting things done and wanted some help. We had a good talk and I set up her with tutoring, which will begin on Monday. In between I was able to respond to intro posts in the class that started this week and I am really looking forward to getting to know these folks over the course of the next ten weeks. Before I knew it, it was time to hit the road and begin the afternoon round of Mom Taxi service.

I really didn't have any idea how I would get everything done that I needed to do between about 2:30 and 5:30, but somehow I managed. I did a 30 minute massage therapy session, picked up Emilee and dropped her off at dance, got out to Inyokern School to pick up Rachel & Matt, went home to get animals fed, Rachel & I showered and dressed, and some dinner, and then back into town by 5:45 to the fairgrounds. Steve, Shyanne, and Emilee all got there on time, and we sat with Bianca and the boys, while the girls did their thing. Steve took pics, Shyanne ran video, the middle boys had point and shoot cameras. Cassie danced her heart out and Rachel was crowned Second Princess, but they were both winners in my mind. They had a good time, made a lot of friends, and got some great experience talking in front of a large group. We walked around the commercial hall for a little while and then went to ice cream (although that got detoured by the wonderful smell of freshly baked donuts around the corner). A dozen donuts later and we headed off to the outback of Inyokern to call it a night. Very long... but refreshingly pleasant day!

We are insanely busy. We are a chaotic, crazy, diverse, intense group of people. But... we are a family and we love each other!

Posted by Debby at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My blog template is a little off... still working on some tweaks. It was fun the other night geeking out with my hubby, who actually gets what I was trying to do and was able to help troubleshoot. We didn't have much time so we'll have to come back to it later.

He's about the coolest guy ever. For example, today he rode down to Loma Linda to get stuff done, but he's coming back up tonight for the Desert Empire Fair contest that Rachel & Cassie are in. He might have to go back down to LLU tomorrow to work on stuff, but it was worth the 2+ hours of driving each way to come home tonight to be there for his girls. No excuses, no fuss, just doing what it takes to let his family know how important they are to him. He is much, much better than I am at that, although I did try to get to as many of the band and choir concerts as I could, even when it wasn't "convenient" or when I had other things to do. Sometimes you just have to go out of your way to let people know you care, even when it means driving 2 or 3 hours to get there!

Posted by Debby at 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This picture pretty much sums up how we all feel about Kym leaving:

Matt is taking it especially hard. She's his biggest sister, the one who knows how to talk to him about games and other cool stuff. She gave him a koala bear before she left and he hasn't put it down since. He even took it to school today. I hope she is able to do a lot of growing up through this experience, taking lessons as they come for what they are, and realizing that some things (like honesty, integrity, responsibility, respect) are all important parts of becoming an adult. Most importantly, I hope she realizes how much she is loved and missed by all of us.

Posted by Debby at 10:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My baby boy turned 21 today. Where does the time go? He's turned into an amazing young man who is a ton of fun to be around. We always love when he visits and always miss him when he's gone. He's out celebrating his birthday with buddies tonight, legally, but he loved it when his siblings called to sing him a very loud, thunderous Happy Birthday song. I hope he has a very happy day!

Birthday Party in a Box - from his adoring fans

A very special Happy Birthday Video

Navy Boy and Mom

He knows no shame!

The Gang

Chief Camp Cook and Bottle Washer

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For the longest time I didn't cry because it wasn't safe.

And then I didn't cry because I was all alone and had to be the strong one.

And then, I finally had strong arms to hold me close when the teardrops fell...but had to learn how to trust that it really was safe.

Tonight I cried all the way home.

I know it's probably good, but it sure doesn't feel that way.

Posted by Debby at 7:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There are things that, no matter how hard I try, I just can't quite understand. And then, every once in a while, something happens to make a connection and things become just a little clearer.

Friday evening I dropped off the little kids with their dad and mentioned to him that our #1 son (the Navy boy) was coming home for the weekend to visit with his sister. He brushed off the information with something like "I got to see Andy last time he was here". No questions about how long he'd be here. No thoughts about letting the little kids see the big brother they adore. Just that they had plans and that was more important apparently. Yeah. Andy's home about once or twice a year now. He's almost never in Porterville for any length of time. The last time he was there it was just for an hour or two on his way to Ridgecrest. But hey, don't want to go out of your way to make your son feel wanted and welcome now, do we?

Continue reading "the Amish connection" »

Posted by Debby at 3:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A song came on at the restaurant where we were having dinner last night that reminded me of the Sweating to the Oldies video that I used to do with Andy and Kym when they were little. They LOVED that video and knew all of the dances better than I did! When I told that to Steve he cracked up and sent Andy a text message. Andy didn't waste any time in responding right back...

SK: So... i hear u like richard simmons...
AK: Wait... I was paid to watch his video
SK: You lie! i have a reliable source!
AK: Your guy doesn't know what hes talking about...
SK: We have very incriminating photos...
AK: U can't prove that it was me. U know how many blond kids lived on our st?

Posted by Debby at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I got an out of the blue IM today from my mother's first cousin, someone I have never met, but who I have heard about through my grandfather's youngest brother, Lou. He is going on a Peace Corps mission soon, back to the place where my greatgrandparents (his grandparents) came from, Odessa. We had a nice chat and he wondered if I had any genealogy info I could share with him that he could check out when he went back there. I also found out that he lived in California for a brief time in the 1950s and knew all about the house I first remember in Burbank. That gave me cause to look up some pictures taken many years ago and again more recently. Wow... how time changes things... and how some things stay so much the same...

California Street circa 1968

July 2008

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We watched a movie with Robin Williams in it the other night. I think it was called "Final Cut". A device could be implanted in a newborn, at the parents option, that would record everything the person saw throughout their life. When they died, a "cutter" would create a "Remembery" for their family, basically an edited movie made from the life story through their own perspective.

Although I don't necessarily want to have an implant, it would be nice this week to somehow have all of the activities, thoughts, actions, conversations, and other interactions somehow recorded so I could play it back later. There is so much going on with so many people that it is almost impossible to keep track of it all. At best, all I will be able to do is put together mental snapshots and hopefully find some time to reflect and write about the bigger themes that are affecting my life.

We have a houseful of people, someone from every time zone in the continental US. We are doing meals in military, assembly line fashion, something I think my almost-mother-in-law finds interesting and amazing that we actually pull it off. Yesterday at lunch, we made 15 grilled cheese sandwiches... and they were all gone. That's just how we do it around here. Sure, we've notched up production a bit, but it's not really anything out of the ordinary for us to feed lots of people. I like making breakfast for a crowd, so a couple dozen eggs and 4 loaves of cinnamon toast bread are a piece of cake (no pun intended). We have about 20 people here and will be meeting up with 9 more over on the coast by the weekend. What a way cool experience! Now I just need to sleep a little more, squeeze about 12 more hours into each day that is left, and enjoy the time I have with the people I care about. Should be a breeze!

Posted by Debby at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

scene: almost 1am after everyone has left from the party, kitchen, armed with a vacuum cleaner hose, an eagle eye, and a clear sense of purpose.

Steve: {evil laugh} Haha! I've figured out fly psychology.

Debby: Oh yeah?

Steve: He was attracted to light so when I turned off the light on the stove he was attracted to the clock. I could see him but he couldn't see me. Hahah!

Don't expect us up early in the morning!

Posted by Debby at 12:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This conference is amazing. Over 18,000 educators in one place all interested in teaching and learning and technology. In addition to the hundreds of sessions, there is a back channel commentary that is just as interesting to follow, especially during major events like the keynotes. Everyone is connected, and connecting, to technology and people. It's great... but through it all, there is still no place like home.

What is really amazing is that I am at a place in my life where I can say that for the first time. For so long, the domestic situation was so toxic that all I wanted to do was to minimize any involvement there. I admittedly threw myself into work because of the positive affirmations there and positive relationships there that were missing at home. At work I was valued, understood, and recognized for my contributions, all things that I needed, but never felt at the end of the day. I shouldn't have let relationship problems drive me away from what I always felt was my true place ~ my home ~ but when you are in the middle of it, it is hard to get that perspective. Sometimes it takes stepping away to see the bigger picture.

Being away for a few days is good. It gives breathing room to the relationship and perspective on just how blessed we truly are. It fosters an added appreciation for each other. It also helps me realize that my priorities in life are quickly shifting away from the academic and career to building relationships with those closest to me. My challenge now is how to match up my ideals with my reality. It will take some effort and it will require quite a bit of change to how I am used to doing things, but it is the only way to achieve harmony and balance in my life.

Posted by Debby at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The NECC 2009 conference is in Washington DC so we are talking about taking a family trip back there. Since we just bought a 35' 5th wheel, the conversation turned to staying in that.

Steve: We can stay in the travel trailer in the Walmart parking lots to save money. The kids can stay in the back.

Matt: (to me) Yeah. You can stay in the back with us and cook for us.

Posted by Debby at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've started this blog entry about a half dozen times since Mother's Day. I find it difficult to pull my thoughts together around the topic I want to write about. It's one that requires some time to process through... and my time is often interrupted by the reality of my life. However, I am persistent...

When I was 18, I couldn't wait to fly away to the freedom that I envisioned college offering me. I was dating a boy that I liked a lot but I was ready to be away from the restrictions I felt at home. College was a goal I had always known I would achieve, and here I was right at the very edge of attaining that goal, running low on patience with the mundane world around me. I was ready to leave the childish arena of high school behind and enter into the adult realm of higher education, ready to follow my dreams. I had the path all planned and laid out... it was clearly going to be a straight shot from here to the exciting career, white picket fence, handsome husband, wonderful children, and golden retriever in the yard. Of course, that was all before I learned about detours, unexpected change, and Plan B the hard way. But at that moment, anyhow, it all seemed clear. I was here, and I knew where I was going. Nothing was getting in the way.

My relationship with my mother had always been rocky, at least for as long as I could remember it. She didn't understand me. She didn't trust me. She didn't know who I was or where I was going. At least that's what I thought. She had a hands-off parenting style and didn't really get too involved in the activities I participated in throughout high school, although looking back, she was more involved than I gave her credit for. I had this whole other life, this whole other world that I was a part of that she knew nothing about. I was intelligent. I was a leader. I was headstrong (yeah, surprising, I know). I always felt like I had a good sense of right and wrong and that I should be allowed to do what I wanted to, without being told what to do. What eighteen year old *doesn't* feel that way?

Continue reading "mothers and daughters" »

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So, they've been wanting to sleep on deck. It's nice out, why not? Crazy kids!

Posted by Debby at 8:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I was able to spend Friday morning with Rachel's class on a field trip to Sand Canyon. They were there to participate in an environmental education program sponsored by the BLM, the Maturango Museum, and lots of local volunteers. We saw lots of beautiful flowers up there... but none were as lovely as the one below. She is growing into a amazing young lady... and growing WAY to fast for me!

Posted by Debby at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

why is it that certain conversational topics plunge me into a round of guilt and quiet tears about how i raise my kids, what i teach my kids, what they are exposed (or not exposed) to? i am doing the best i can with what i have, i've always tried to do the best i can, and i keep trying to do better constantly. what i hear (what the kids do is a reflection of me) probably isn't what the actual message is, but it sure comes across that way sometimes. i'll write it off to headaches and hormones tonight.

Posted by Debby at 8:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I went to get my hair done today, someplace that I've been going for a while now. The lady that does my hair is going through a divorce so I've been getting an update every six weeks or so. Hubby moved out and moved a girlfriend in. She dated someone for a while, now is dating someone else. Six year old son hates dad's new girlfriend and refuses to go over there when she's around. Dad chooses to spend time with girl over time with son... lots of drama. Seems like the kid is getting the short end of the deal no matter what.

I guess I just took a different approach. I decided very early on that I would not bring any dates to my house. Anyone I was interested in didn't need to have any contact with my kids until I was pretty sure he'd be around for a while. I gave myself an arbitrary timeline of six months. If we were dating after 6 months and things looked good, he could meet the kids. No overnight visits, no showing up at school events... no contact before then. Why? Because I wanted to protect my kids for one. I didn't want them to get attached to someone and then not have it work out for me, and have them deal with loss all over again. I didn't want to get stuck in a relationship because he was "good with the kids". I didn't want to be the mom that brought people in and out of my children's lives. I've seen first hand the damage that can cause. I preferred to give them stability instead.

Continue reading "dating scene" »

Posted by Debby at 7:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

That song came on the radio, the one Tim McGraw put out for last Memorial Day. I was on my way home with the Charter kids, on Brown Road, when it started to play. I love the music, so sweet and simple, and I started singing along. About halfway through, it got the better of me, and I teared up, unable to sing any longer without actually crying. For some reason that song always does it. Might be because I have a son in the military who is across the country and a daughter who just turned 18 who lives far from home. It's a song about preparing for something that is inevitable, but at the same time unexpected, because, really, you just never know when it will be your time to go. If you're reading this... I love you.

Posted by Debby at 9:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Debby at 9:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's taken me a couple of weeks to gather my thoughts about my oldest daughter reaching a milestone birthday. On March 25, Kymberly Grace Kilburn, turned eighteen. She's been waiting for this for quite a while, this rite of passage into adulthood. Her writing over the last year has expressed a desire to move on, a dissatisfaction with the status quo. She has questioned her religion and her role in the world. I remember being 18, with a few months left of high school, and just ready for it to be over so I could get on with the rest of my life. I imagine Kym is feeling much the same way. When I read what she writes, I see so much of myself in her words.

I remember not knowing if I was having a boy or girl but thinking that I would treat the baby exactly the same as her big brother, regardless... and then going girl crazy as soon as she was born. I remember the toddler who climbed up on everything. I remember the inquisitive child who wanted to know everything. I remember the beautiful little girl who loved to dance... we'd dance in the living room together. I remember getting her the Magic Bear so many years ago that she still sleeps with to this day. As she blossomed into young womanhood, she became harder to know... and even now, I wish we were closer so I could find out more about who she is and what she thinks. I miss that more than anything else in this world.

Continue reading "Miss Kymmeth" »

Posted by Debby at 8:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today my mom would have been 68. It's been almost two years since she died. Time just keeps moving on, doesn't it?

Posted by Debby at 7:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Again, I was asked what my long term goals are... what I would like to accomplish in my life. I don't really have any career goals right now. What else do you aspire do when you think you are doing what you should be doing? Do I want to effect change on a more global level? Teach more teachers to be effective facilitators? Get involved in state and national organizations that promote educational reform that I can believe in?

Well...

Sure.

I'd love to do all of that. I'd be really good at doing all of that. And maybe, just maybe, someday I will do all of that.

However, I know myself quite well. I know there are causes I could get all caught up in, could make a real difference in, throw myself into 150% and give it all (and more) that I've got. I could get people excited. I could share a vision. I could make a real difference in the lives of others.

But wait...

Continue reading "change the world?" »

Posted by Debby at 1:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Emilee called me twice today. I talked to all of the kids. They've been gone since last Friday and won't be back until Sunday night. I always hate it when they are gone that long... and talking to them always makes me want to cry. I sure miss my babies.

Posted by Debby at 8:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Debby at 11:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's been a very blustery couple of days, weather-wise. Yesterday was a window in the storm, a very nice day to take a walk, relax a little, and get ready for Chad and Landon to show up. This is the first time Landon has been here. The guys put together a last minute plan to go snowboarding up at Mammoth so he flew out from North Carolina. We invited Bianca, Lizz, and the kids over for dinner, and found out that one of Steve's friends from Cleveland just happened to be in the area, so he came over with another friend also. Cassie made sure to give Uncle Landon the tour of the farm, introducing most of the goats by name and making him jump into the goat pen to play "Chase the Human" with Issac.

While dinner was being prepared, Chad started a fire on the deck and we spent a few hours eating, talking, and hanging out. The weather was perfect for a night outside. After everyone left and Steve, Chad, Landon, and I were sitting out talking about plans, a few drops of rain began to fall, the start of what eventually turned into a pretty heavy downpour. I'm glad Mother Nature gave us a break in the storm to spend time with family and friends.

I tried really hard to stay awake for SNL because Tina Fey was hosting and Carrie Underwood was singing, but it just wasn't meant to happen. At least I was able to watch the highlights this morning on the NBC website. Great stuff! Here are some of the best ones :)

Continue reading "Saturday night" »

Posted by Debby at 6:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Got some news from #1 son last night that will be affecting how he lives his life from now on. Then I got an "outside" view of Kurt, Julie, and the little kids that sort of hit home. Had some weird dreams this morning involving kids and other things that shook me up a bit. This would be a good morning to go for a walk and clear my head but I have to head down to Ontario to pick up Andy soon. Steve suggested taking the scenic route back, heading home through Big Bear instead of the normal route. Again, perfect :)

Posted by Debby at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Adam is beginning to communicate verbally more, but most of his words are still mumbled in that toddler-dialect he has. However, one word is coming through LOUD and CLEAR...

ROBOT

Posted by Debby at 7:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My Aunt Mara sent this to me the other day. I'm not sure of the exact date, but it was sometime in the early 70s. They were visiting from Cleveland and my Uncle John's kids were there so they must have been visiting from the east coast. The Logan family in the middle were the cousins I grew up with and did stuff with all the time. We moved from Burbank when I was in 7th grade and that pretty much ended my association on a regular basis with my extended family, although we did occasionally get together for holiday dinners at Milano's or the Tic Tock in Los Angeles. This picture includes only a few of my twenty five first cousins. Can you guess which one is ME?

Posted by Debby at 4:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Tonight is one of those nights that I have a very keen awareness of my failings as a parent. Emilee is trying to put together her science fair project, already late, and doesn't have enough data. As I listen to the scientist patiently explain all the things she could have done, should have done, I sit here trying not to cry and thinking that if I had spent more time explaining stuff to her that she would have done those things, because she really has no idea what he is talking about for the most part. But instead, because I work a full time job in addition to enough extra units to make up another 3/4 time job, and because I have so many other kids to consider, and because there are a million other things to think about and take care of, this child slipped through the cracks. She is not as self-motivated as Rachel, who I could probably lock in a closet with a stack of encyclopedias and she would learn all there is to learn from them and the make up her own problems to solve. Because I made some assumptions about what Emilee understands and what she can accomplish and didn't follow up as closely as I should have, she's falling behind. There is never enough time no matter what I try to move around, never enough time to get done what needs to be done. I could be up 24 hours a day and not get it all done. I'm trying to cut back in some areas, but will it be soon enough to make a difference to Emilee?

Posted by Debby at 9:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today we attempted to take pictures of the Thundering Herd in all its glory. We did manage to capture a few good shots! More will be posted to my Flickr account soon.

Posted by Debby at 10:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

They were rolling in the sand, climbing in the sand, tumbling in the sand, and all around having a good time.

Awesome afternoon :)

Posted by Debby at 11:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I was the one who worked jobs at six colleges to make sure you could keep your home, your room, your school, your things when he refused to pay child support for two and a half years. I was the one who took on extra classes and workshops to pay for birthdays and Christmases, when he depended on handouts from the church instead.

I am the one who decided it was more important to keep you and your siblings in your home, near your friends and family, and your father, and drove over 1000 miles a week for a year and a half to a job that supported us and provided us with insurance, despite the fact that I was told that I only took the job because I wanted to support a "luxurious" lifestyle, and despite the fact that he refused to put all of you on his own insurance policy because it was too expensive.

I was the one who agreed to assume most of the joint debt, well over ten thousand dollars worth, because he said that if he was going to be made responsible for any of it, he would file bankruptcy instead of paying his share. I was the one who believed that it was important to set an example to my children that you should work hard for what you have and that you should honor your obligations... and I did, by paying it all off myself.

I was the one who supported you when you made an announcement that brought my world crashing down around me so hard and fast that my head was literally spinning, when he refused to believe you and accused me of making you say what you said.

I was the one who fought to protect you, despite what you saw on the surface, when you flunked half your classes and he said it was my fault that he couldn't be a parent.

I was the one who supported you when you decided that moving was what you wanted to do after all, even though it meant I had spent $30,000 to go through a court battle that was now unnecessary, when his father bankrolled his lawyer fees and he refused to pay his court-ordered portion of other costs.

I am the one who decide that being a parent was more important than being a friend and who stood up for your safety instead of letting you fly across the country to meet someone you had met online, when he spent month after month encouraging you to be deceptive and evasive instead.

I am the one who has honored all agreements made, court-ordered and otherwise, despite the fact that he has ignored most of those.

I am the one who gets left behind, ignored, and demonized for being willing to make hard choices, for being willing to stand up for what I believe to be right, and for being willing to be a parent instead of giving in to every whim a teenager comes up with. I am the one who has cried countless tears for many years because I can see the damage that has been done.

I am the one.

Posted by Debby at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Last night we had Christmas dinner at Bianca's house. My kids had Christmas dinner at their grandma's house. We haven't opened presents yet so there is still a pile sitting around. It's making me think of which traditions we should do when they get back and which ones it is already past the time for doing. Do I make a big Christmas dinner? The ham is in the freezer. Do I make Christmas morning crepes and homemade hot chocolate? Do we bake cookies and make plates of goodies to take to the neighbors? Or do we just open presents and go back to the normal stuff? What activities and events do my kids think of when they think of Christmas and does it matter if we still do those things?

Posted by Debby at 5:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Christmas morning without kids. Hmmm... not really the way it is supposed to be, and not the way it's ever been before, for either of us. It's been quiet and laid back and perhaps a little melancholy. It's not bad, just different. Maybe some time to think and reflect on what is important. Steve did manage to create a lovely Christmas picture to send to all of our friends.

Lesson learned: never let a mad scientist play with Google images, travel pictures, and Fireworks!

Posted by Debby at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's hard to believe we are at the end of our week here already. It's been amazing and a lot of fun. It's also been a time of introspection, deep conversation, and building relationships in a way that you just can't quite do electronically. I'm glad we came.

Posted by Debby at 7:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Wonderful... seeing and experiencing and sharing where someone comes from. Insights into who they are and how they got that way that you can only get by being there and seeing for yourself. It's been amazing!

Posted by Debby at 8:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Rachel was one of the finalists for the school spelling bee today. There were five kids from her 4th grade class and 5 kids from the 5th grade class. We all showed up to cheer her on (me, Steve, Emilee, Cassie, Gabe, Adam, and Matt). The first round knocked out half the contestants. Rachel misspelled one word and became the Inyokern Elementary School Runner-Up Best Speller, beating out not only her own class, but all except one 5th grader. Way to go Rachel!

Posted by Debby at 7:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We walked into the choir concert last night, the kids saw their dad and ran over to him. We all walked into down the aisle of the auditorium and before I could suggest what I was thinking, that we all just sit together, Steve peeled off in one direction and Kurt headed in the other. Sometimes I think that how things are now are how they always will be. What's the point in trying to change it? How different that was from tonight when we had seats saved for us at the dance recital and then all went out to Starbucks for coffee and hot chocolate to visit for a while. Do they have any idea how lucky they are?

Posted by Debby at 10:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Is she really a senior this year? When did that happen? And is it awful to hope that she doesn't get accepted into any of the universities she applied to because I really want her to come here instead? I miss her so much and miss the time we've lost. If she goes... when will I get a chance to show her how much I love her and want to know her?

Posted by Debby at 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As you all know, I've got birds in the barnyard who are becoming quite prolific in their egg production endeavors. Despite the fact that my own Thundering Herd consists of six rugrats between the ages of two and eleven, and the Herd can put down two dozen eggs in a single scrambling (not to mention a few additional ones for the French Toast that inevitably goes along with it!), we seem to find ourselves with an eggcessive amount of eggs in the house! The girls have conspired to lay between 10 and 14 eggs a day and we just can't seem to eat them fast enough!

So, in recognition of all of the Hard Work and Eggceptional Effort put forth by the aforementioned Herd, the Eggcelent Inyokern Egg Company has been formed to market the Eggstra Eggs to an enthusiastic audience (they hope!). The Company has agreed to save all earnings for a summer trip to LegoLand (hmmm... wonder where they got that idea?) and would like to offer their eggcess to the general public. Therefore, the Company has decided that Three Dollars would be a fair and reasonable price for these farm fresh, straight from the chicken, Eggceptionally Eggstraordinary Eggs. There will be no additional charge for the occasional Double Yolker that shows up a couple of times a week. If you, or someone you know, is interested in purchasing said Eggcelent Eggs, please contact the Company Egg Broker (that would be me!).

Attached, for your perusal, is a picture taken just this evening of the Eggclusive Eggs collected tonight. Yes... those really ARE green and blue eggs!

Debby Kilburn
Egg Broker Eggtraordinaire
Eggcelent Inyokern Egg Company

Note: The Hens have been keeping company with a select group of Roosters, resulting in the possibility that some eggs may be fertilized. Eggs are generally gathered and refrigerated every morning and every evening.

Posted by Debby at 9:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This week is going to be a little nuts. We have 2 adults and 6 children going in about a hundred different directions for a variety of activities ranging from work, hair appointments, 4-H meetings, dance recitals, Christmas parades, after school programs, and babysitters (to name a few). At the end of the week is a choir concert for the oldest daughter in the Central Valley, a dance recital for the youngest daughter in the Indian Wells Valley, and a dramatic play put on by the excellent student actors of Cerro Coso. Steve is preparing for a major presentation at work... I have finals week, term papers, and lots of grading starting next week. I'm home with five of the kids while Steve is getting the other one, eating dinner, while we are all watching Jeopardy and guessing the questions. Kids have fed animals, rotated through showers, and are getting ready for bed before reading time starts at 7:30. The biggest girl is keeping the littlest boy occupied by playing with him on the couch. It's a little noisy, a little cluttered, and we're not even remotely ready for the holidays... but you know what?

I love it :-D

Posted by Debby at 6:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We had the kids do the Shapes test and here's how they turned out. What is interesting is how well it describes each one of them!

Posted by Debby at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's hard to be the only one who sets boundaries, especially from a distance. It's risky also because it might result in making someone mad, as a result of their choices, when the boundary is enforced. In her world, it is easier to avoid and ignore than to step up and take responsibility. That is reinforced for her on a daily basis and there isn't much I can do about that except to stand my ground for what I think is right and be an example of what it means to be honest, be responsible, and be trustworthy. I'm still not sure how this one will turn out.

Posted by Debby at 10:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Who was she?

I'm not sure I'll ever really know. Just about the time I was interested in finding out, it was too late.

Posted by Debby at 10:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We saw Andy yesterday, sort of a spur of the moment thing because he had flown into San Diego for a long weekend with Sara. He graduated his "C" school on Friday and next week starts the "real" job. We drove down Saturday night and met up with them on Sunday for a few hours, strolling around UCSD, seeing what there was to see, then going to Buca di Beppo for lunch. He got to meet Steve for the first time (verdict today: Steve is cool). It was awesome. He's at this stage in his life where it's just fun to hang out with him. He's got a life. He's got a job. He's heading in a pretty good direction. I am really enjoying this time with him!

Posted by Debby at 8:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

From Mrs. McGuire:

Rachel is kind to others. She is always willing to help anyone that needs help. She is patient and praises others often. Rachel is a hard worker and completes her work, and her work is well done. Rachel is a good writer. She puts good thoughts into her papers. Rachel you are great! Please keep up the good work and great attitude.

Posted by Debby at 5:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Kids will be home tomorrow from a weekend on the coast... and a new experience. You know, way back when I never envisioned them being placed in the situation they are in. It makes me sad to think that they have to deal with things the way they are and I can only hope that the lesson they take away from it all is that change it ok, that people are ok, and that they are prepared to deal with any situation that comes their way with grace, courage, and reason. No matter how much you plan or hope or dream, things don't always turn our like you thought they would. Sometimes the road takes a different twist and sometimes it turns out better, if you are open to the experience. I hope they see things that way when it is all said and done.

Posted by Debby at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I went in to turn off the lights in Rachel's room tonight and noticed that she fell asleep reading, again. She does that a lot. What was she reading? The Dictionary of American Idioms. She's nine. Strange girl. Just like her mom :)

Posted by Debby at 10:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A stroll down memory lane...

That was then...

This is now...

Where has the time gone?

Posted by Debby at 7:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I overheard Rachel talking to one of her friends tonight about "my mom's boyfriend" and then she said that her mom and her friend's mom had something in common - they both had boyfriends. I asked her friend how she liked him, and was told that he was cool because he had gotten her a cell phone. I didn't really like that... you know... affection in exchange for gifts. I told Rachel that she wasn't going to get a cell phone, but Rachel said that was ok... Steve was going to teach her how to make lasers, after he taught her a few other things to make sure she was "learnable'. That I liked much better... admiration and respect based on common experiences.

It did seem very strange to hear one of my children refer to my "boyfriend". In talking with my children's friends and others that I know, they refer to all varieties of blended families. This same little friend of Rachel's was earlier talking about her "real" brothers, and then how her dad's girlfriend had two kids that he treated better than "his own" kids, and that they were having a baby together on top of that. She made it all sound so normal... like she has accepted that this is how love, relationships, and families are supposed to look. When I think of a woman my age having a boyfriend, I have images of women who have men moving in and out of their kids' lives... of kids who have siblings, half-siblings, and step-siblings all over the place... of what should be abnormal seeming perfectly acceptable.

In reality, I hold this ideal vision of two parents living together, loving together, raising a family together, growing old together, through good times and bad. How then, do I reconcile my present situation with my vision of how things should be? What word do I use when "boyfriend" seems so inadequate but other words that may more fully describe what is in the heart don't yet apply?

Posted by Debby at 10:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Debby at 11:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

(1:21:13 AM) DebbyK: i wonder who you get the night owl thing from?
(1:21:17 AM) Kym: Not you.
(1:21:23 AM) Kym: I downloaded it.
(1:21:24 AM) DebbyK: LOL
(1:21:26 AM) DebbyK: yeah, whatever
(1:21:34 AM) DebbyK: i'm going to blog that ;)
(1:21:51 AM) DebbyK: cause apparently you get the warped sense of humor from the same place
(1:22:12 AM) Kym: Nah, that's from a download, also. www.personalities.com
(1:22:14 AM) DebbyK: LOL
(1:22:18 AM) DebbyK: nice
(1:22:23 AM) DebbyK: i'll have to check there for a spare

Posted by Debby at 1:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This morning as I was laying in bed, I kept having a "mommy moment" as I like to call them. I've had them before... those times when what you'd like to do the most conflicts with the reality of what you have to do. This morning, what I really wanted to do the most was just stay home and be a mom. Not just for today... for always. Or at least for a while. I miss the days of being the room mom like I was with Andy and Kym. I wish I could just stay home and focus on making our home a good place to be... dinners and family time and afternoons in the park... without having to worry about grades and reports and other distractions that take away from what brings me joy and satisfaction. It would be nice to pull back a bit from work and allow myself to enjoy the people I love the most. Can I? Maybe? We'll see.

Posted by Debby at 11:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Maybe it's just that I am hormonal (cause it IS that time!) or maybe it's just that I am becoming sappy... or maybe it's just that home is one of my favorites places to be... but shoot.... I really wish I was home right now. LA always overloads me. Too many people. Too many cars. Too much noise. Too much smog. Too many lights to see the stars in the sky. Too far away from the people I love. Every time I come down here I feel dirty and I feel out of place. I can think of a million (or just one) places I'd rather be right now than in a hotel room in Carson. I think I might go to bed early tonight and see if I can catch up on some sleep. Or maybe I'll just turn off the television, power down the computer, and read for a while. As always, there is plenty for me to do here, but it's not going anywhere. Sigh. Forty eight hours from now I'll be home.

Posted by Debby at 7:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)